9 Things I No Longer Believe About Love & Relationships

I was raised on the princess diet. I dreamed of being rescued by the man of my dreams and living happily ever after. Then I grew up and was sorely disappointed to discover that the myth of storybook romance was toxic at best and traumatic at worse.

I have had my heart broken on more occasions than I can count. Partly because my expectations came from rom-coms. And I also because I have an uncanny ability to attract wound-mates, but I digress.

Now that I’ve had plenty of experience, trials, and repeated errors, I now take a more realistic approach, which has been liberating and a lot less painful.

Here are some things I no longer believe about love and relationships:

Love is enough

I’m a hopeful romantic. I love loving and being loved. But I am realistic enough to accept the fact that it’s not enough.

Love is not as steady as we’d like to believe. It ebbs and flows. It fades and diminishes depending on what’s happening in our lives, in the relationship, in the world.

Love is beautiful, but to retain its luster, it needs to be supported by things like respect and self-awareness. By itself, it flickers like candlelight, endangered by the winds of change.

Love is not a cure for the ailments of the heart. It doesn’t keep people together. John was wrong; love is not all we need.

Successful relationships need more than love can offer. They need autonomy and compatibility. Similar world views, a healthy dose of self-esteem, and a good supply of empathy.

No one can survive on love alone.

Relationships should be easy

Like everything else in life, you have to work for good relationships. They aren’t easy. They can be downright messy sometimes. They’re inconvenient and exhausting. And they change all the time too! There’s nothing easy about being in a relationship.

You won’t like your partner every day. Sometimes you’ll have different opinions about critical issues. I mean, one of my lovers voted for Trump for goodness sake! LOL

You don’t have to agree on everything to have a healthy connection. But you do have to respect one another.

It takes effort to be a kind, loving, supportive partner. Sometimes you won’t have the energy to be those things to your partner. During those times you’ll have to work to take good care of you. Because taking care of you is taking care of the relationship.

So yeah, relationships aren’t easy. But they do give our lives meaning. They provide a level of satisfaction and give us a sense of stability. Relationships fulfill us in ways that other things don’t. They are a lot of things, but easy they are not.

We can make each other happy

“Happiness is an inside job.”

Outside factors influence mood and emotion, but how we respond to those things comes from within. Your partner may laugh and smile at something you say and do. They may feel contentment and gratitude for the life you share. But whether they are happy or not is not up to you.

“I think about it as a profound collapse in boundaries when couples are continuously trying to make each other happy at the expense of themselves.” — Kate Balestrieri, Clinical Psychologist

It’s essential to give your partner time and space to feel their feelings. They also need to be able to soothe themselves when the going gets tough.

When my partner is going through something, my instinct is to fix, but that’s not useful. Instead, I try to be a good listener and to make sure that he feels loved through the process.

Recognizing the difference between support and codependency is critical. Support says, “how can I help?” Codependency says, “let me do it for you.” Support empowers the other person to be proactive about stating needs and making requests. Codependency creates a delusion of helplessness.

Your partner is capable of managing their mood. And your job is to manage yours.

Sex is not that important

If sex is important to you — it’s important to the relationship. It’s that simple.

If sex is not a priority in your life and you have a partner that is okay with that, you are winning! But if sex is something you value, you either need a partner who feels the same way. Or a partner who is willing to outsource that portion of your relationship.

While sex is not a necessity like food and water, it is one of the ways some people get their psychological needs met. I happen to be one of those people. And if you’re like me, sex is something that you desire to experience with your partner.

Sexual compatibility is something that is not discussed often enough at the start of a connection. Of course, in the beginning, our bodies are swimming in a hormonal bath that keeps us in heat. Unfortunately, hormones regulate over time, and sex happens less. But less is not the same as never.

So whether you’re doing it or not doing it — it’s important.

Forever means until we die

I once fell in love with someone that I thought I’d be with for a long time. We talked about creating a future together and what that might look like. We were both all in, hearts open, cares to the wind. Then life happened. His work took him in a different direction. He developed feelings for someone else. So I lovingly released him because that was the best thing — for both of us.

Sometimes forever is until you become someone different. Or the other person morphs into someone you no longer recognize. Sometimes forever is until the money runs out, misery steps in, or one of you moves on.

Happily ever after is a myth of epic proportions.

That’s why it’s crucial to create a relational environment where you check in with one another, at least twice a year. You should be having the “how are we doing?” conversation. So if there are unmet needs or unfulfilled expectations, they can be addressed, discussed, and resolved (within reason).

If you should arrive at a crossroads, where continuing is no longer a viable option, it is possible to uncouple healthily. Because sometimes forever expires sooner than you thought. And that’s okay.

Being attracted to other people is a bad thing

Attraction is diverse and is seldom limited to one person. Finding someone other than your partner attractive is not a bad thing. It’s a human thing.

Feeling the pull of attraction is normal. It’s okay to acknowledge that your body is drawn to another body, or your mind is turned on by another mind. This is true even in monogamous relationships.

Of course, acting on that attraction could cause problems, if it violates the agreements of your relationship. It’s always a good idea to define and negotiate boundaries and to revisit your agreements. This will ensure that all parties are on the same page and will minimize the possibility of misunderstanding.

Secrecy is the same as privacy

We are all entitled to a certain level of privacy. Being in a relationship does not take away the right to privacy.

So what’s the difference between privacy and secrecy?

“Private information is personal information that requires a level of trust to disclose.

Secret information involves information relevant to the relationship itself between you and the other person.” — James Grubman

Secrecy is often toxic because it typically involves a level of deception. Privacy isn’t harmful to the other person.

Here are a few examples:

Pooping with the door closed = privacy

Having a second family on the other side of the country = secrecy

Keeping a journal of your innermost thoughts = privacy

Using your joint account to fund your gambling addiction = secrecy

Choosing to share private information, without feeling pressured, with your partner can deepen intimacy. But you get to decide if or when to do that. You are allowed to keep some things for you. And a healthy relationship leaves room for that.

Partners are supposed to be all the things

Partners are human, first. That means that they see the world through the lens of their own experience. Which may or may not be aligned with how you see the world, sometimes. They won’t always get it — or you.

It’s impossible to be on the same page about everything all the time.

Both of my lovers are very dissimilar. The way they see and move through the world is vastly different. Each brings something different to the table. And I don’t expect either of them to be all the things to me.

Life is a collective effort. That means you need an entire community of support to get through this thing. Your partner is only one member of your community.

Even if you’re monogamous, you still have friends and family outside of your relationship. Each of these people is a resource. If your partner isn’t available, for whatever reason, seek support in your circle.

You will always get what you need — sources may vary.

Romance = Love

We tend to idealize love. We want that Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan kind of love. That Sleepless-in-Seattle-You’ve-Got-Mail type of love. But the truth is we have trouble separating fact from fiction. Or is that just me?

Romance and love are not the same. Sometimes romance is just romance. Grand gestures, gifts, and great dates do not a happy couple make.

Knowing your preferred love language is vital. Being able to discern whether your desire is coming from the way you best experience love, as opposed to dramatic license, can make all the difference.

For example, my primary love language is words of affirmation. However, if I expect my partner to pull a Pretty Woman to make me happy, I’ll be attempting to fill a void, rather than seeking fulfillment.

In real life, love is not neat and tidy. There are no plot points or story beats. There may be romantic bits, but for the most part, love consists of ordinary moments. And the mundane becomes extraordinary by the way it makes you feel.