The Price I Paid for Ignoring 3 Bright Red Flags Early in My Relationship

We were chatting in his car when his phone rang. He looked at his screen and apologized. “I need to take this,” he said, “otherwise I’m in trouble.” I shrugged and stared out the window. I couldn’t understand what the woman on the other side of the line was saying, but I could hear that she wasn’t happy.

He made eye contact with me and put his index finger in front of his lips. I got it. I would stay quiet. I winked.

“Of course, I am alone. Who would I be with?” he asked her.

My heart plummeted into my stomach. Even though I agreed to keep our fling a secret, it still made me unhappy. He didn’t want my parents to know that their 18-year old daughter, who was still in school and lived at home, was sleeping with the owner of the company where she worked part-time. And of course, he didn’t want our co-workers to know about my special treatment either.

He often reprimanded me for acting childish. So while he denied my existence to another lover, I made a decision; I was cool. I was quiet. I was grown. I wasn’t like other girls, and I wouldn’t cause a fuss. I would help him keep his secrets. I would not mess things up for him.

This decision set the tone for the 17 years my ex and I were together. There were a lot of things wrong with our relationship, but it all comes back to the three bright red flags I ignored in those first few months.

Red flag #1: infidelity

When my boss came on to me, I was flattered. I couldn’t believe a successful businessman was interested in an 18-year-old schoolgirl like me. He would sit me down in his office and talk about all the things he wanted to do to me.

On the wall next to him hung a large promo poster for a theater production. A stunning woman was in the center of it. When I asked him about the actress on the poster, he told me the woman was his girlfriend. He explained that they weren’t together right now, but he loved her and wanted her back.

Up until then, it was easy to pretend I meant something to him; that I was special. Now I knew I was nothing more but temporary entertainment.

So there was this amazing actress girlfriend, an angry woman on the phone, and me.

But I was cool. I was also kind of seeing someone else, but I knew that would never lead anywhere. That boy was a street kid, like me. He didn’t have a lot to offer, besides secretly smoking cigarettes under the bridge, and making South Park impressions.

But my boss? He was a man. He owned a business, didn’t live with his parents, and was incredibly confident, and knowledgeable.

So I decided to drop the other guy and just be good to this man. One day he would see how special I was, and he would choose me.

And he did. After about a year, angry phone woman and I confronted each other. It turns out he was stringing us both along and was also seeing a friend of hers. I broke up with him. He begged me to come back. Out of the three of us, he had chosen me.

I finally had what I wanted. I accepted his apology and moved in with him.

Why I ignored this red flag

I was 18 and didn’t know shit. I thought we were Mr. Big and Carrie; we were meant to be together. And deep down inside, I didn’t feel I deserved better. I had low self-esteem and didn’t know what it was like to be treated with respect.

His behavior wasn’t alright, but it was okay. We talked about it. He was sorry. And he would never do it again.

Spoiler: that was a lie. He cheated again. And again. Every time I caught him, I left. And every time he brought me back. Until I was so paranoid and damaged that I wasn’t fun anymore, and he kicked me out.

Red flag #2: dishonesty

As we became closer, he showed me more of him. He was surprisingly open about his dishonesty. He had no problems with lying and manipulating to get what he wanted. He lied to his staff. To his business partner. To the IRS. To his friends. And most to his parents.

When we moved into a small sublet in the countryside with our dog, our landlord said that additional pets weren’t allowed. A huge disappointment, because we wanted a buddy for our hyperactive Dobermann.

But my ex didn’t care about what the landlord said. So we got a second dog. My ex lied to the landlord. He said that the dog belonged to a sick friend, and we had to take care of it for a while.

People don’t like being manipulated. Our landlord called my ex out for lying and told him the second dog had to go. The situation escalated so severely, the landlord threatened to kill our dogs and took a swing at my ex’s face. We had no option but to move out.

According to my ex, he was completely innocent. All of this was the landlord’s fault. Because the landlord was so unreasonable, my ex was forced to be “creative” with the whole situation.

Why I ignored this red flag

We did talk about my issues with his dishonesty. I couldn’t speak freely around his friends, and it made me nervous. Often before we went somewhere, he gave me instructions about subjects I wasn’t supposed to talk about. He would brief me on what people did and didn’t know.

He told me that I was too honest. And that I shouldn’t be difficult. And that he would never lie to me.

Of course, he lied to me too. If you see someone lie to everyone around them, there is no reason to think you are exempt. But his lies were so sweet. I desperately wanted to believe him. So I didn’t ask a lot of difficult questions.

I was cool, remember?

And deep down inside, I believed I couldn’t deal with the truth. He told me over and over again that I was nothing without him. Without him, I would be lost. So I held on to our relationship with all my strength.

Red flag #3: He mocked my dreams and goals

In 2009 I was almost living my dream life. I was working as an editor-in-chief for an online publication and had a couple of freelance writing clients. My business was nowhere near as successful as his, but I was thrilled by the fact that I was making money by doing what I loved.

But the online advertising market changed rapidly during the ongoing financial crisis. Fewer businesses were interested in buying banner space at my woman’s opinion magazine. I was struggling. I worked extra hours.

When I shared my frustrations with him, he told me I didn’t have a business. I had a hobby. Businesses make money.

I neglected my website and took on tedious but well-paying copywriting jobs. I was making money again, but I wasn’t enjoying my work. And still, it wasn’t enough for him. Because my business wasn’t scalable, I would never experience massive success. I didn’t have what it takes to be a real entrepreneur.

Why I ignored this red flag

He was older. More successful. More experienced. I come from a poor family; what do I know about making money? I dropped out of college, so how could I ever be successful?

Even though it wasn’t fun to hear the way he talked about my cute little company, I honestly believed he was right — tough love.

Now I know he was wrong. In a healthy relationship, partners empower each other, instead of kicking them down.

Why I don’t regret ignoring these red flags

Maya Angelou famously said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

My ex kept showing me who he was, and I kept ignoring it. I wasn’t in love with him. I had fallen for his potential. For what we could be, not what we actually were. I was in love with a projection. And it took me seventeen years and a lot of heartbreak to realize that.

I don’t regret it, though. Looking back at an impressionable and insecure 18-year old through the eyes of a 38-year old happy and confident woman, I can’t blame her.

If I had a time machine and could have a do-over, I would probably make the same mistakes again. Maybe not with him, but with another partner. I was so insecure and unhappy, and I desperately longed for someone to tell me what to do with my life. And because I had zero self-respect, I didn’t demand respect from my partner.

And even though ignoring those red flags have caused me a lot of pain, the experience forced me to grow. Thanks to my ex, I know exactly what I do and don’t want from a relationship. And I have also learned that it is a good thing to look for the best in people, but that you shouldn’t close your eyes for their worst.

I am in a good place now. And it is comforting to know that I’ll never ignore bright red flags again, the price is too high. Now when someone shows me who they are, I believe them immediately.

Or to share some more wise words by Miss Angelou: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”